PRIDE Institute LGBT Treatment

Facing One’s Demons

How to share that, casting shadows in repose?
News that breaks hearts, and increases all woes.
Why must the subject, continue to wreck?
Havoc on host, and those passed on its trek.

Insecurities, so many, just to list can be draining,
Energy sapping, stories often constraining.
What started as effort, not to disappoint but conform,
To the norms of society, the result, my deform.

Concerned always with other’s thoughts, fearing rejection,
Not wanting to stand out, targeted for oppression.
To be called a faggot, a sissy, “Look its the gays”,
Tore at the insides, must dream for new days.

Overcoming relentless, debilitating doubt,
Wishing for relief, a complete thought blackout.
Rare are the people, that lessen the tensions,
Even thoughts of some others, creates pain like torn tendons.

Ever present Committee, prompting self-admonitions,
Freedom please, provide solace, from these lonely traditions.
The chatter relentless, cruel, mean, their suspicions,
Sometimes causing remissions, but always demanding submission.

Obsessions, Compulsions, Addictions they flourish,
Sapping all else from subject, leaving nothing to nourish.
A life once was filled, with abundance, such richness,
Present course followed, in time death or bedriddenness.

The hid for so long, rare were sightings, renown less,
In obscurity growing, future certainly crownless.
Insecurities multiply, confidence declines,
The cycle continues, with ambitionless’ incline.

Occasionally reports, of intimdation,
By others reporting, their first conversation.
Achievement resulting, from self esteem lacking,
Evoked deficits elsewhere, unintended blackjacking.

Some see conceit, others cocky audaciousness,
Flaw thought apparent, to them detection less.
Seeing only the obvious, the script for the mindless,
Curiosity lacking, sorrow missed by their blindness.

Over time the retreat, into blissful seclusion,
Allowed peaceful relief, with self anesthetization.
In the past it enabled, escape and survival,
But intensified now, perhaps time for archival.

Astringent remarks hear, can heighten depression,
To escape pills and liquor, often downed in succession.
Temporarily quieting, thoughts spiraling down,
Self-esteem lost already, face a permanent frown.

But what might have seemed, to alleviate issues,
Eventually became, its own reason for tissues.
No useful lessons, were ever forthcoming,
Notoriety maybe, conduct deemed unbecoming.

Similar too, was the story with smoke,
The effect first experienced, now craved to provoke.
Though we know one’s too many, there is never enough,
To satiate desire, another reason for rebuff.

Sources unknown, driving potent obsessions,
Acquisitions once more focused, on yet more possessions.
Rational thought, not allowed at the table,
Without it my mind, more heard deem it unstable.

Looking back in amazement, at years spent in pursuit,
Of elusive perfection, time spent seeking, now moot.
Better time had been spent, seeking direction,
Meditation, introspection, regular self-reflection.

Why is it that some things, know still evade practice?
Though desired their benefits, tries analogized to malpractice.
Though successfully mastered, behind walls sequestering,
Once released the achievements, like pustules festering.

The quest for relief, from anxieties present,
Augmented confusion, “what was said, was the meant?”
The scene became too much, former friends no abound,
Some departures so sudden, mouth left open astound.

Often raised is the question, how are thoughts picked for prominence?
Repetition alone, most thought should no decide dominance.
But in fact hearing, syllables patched together mundane,
Said often enough, can take hold in the brain.

If rational thought rules, merely repeating,
Would no so easily, win reason defeating.
Its return must be fostered, if need be engineered,
Rational thoughts breed stability, their impact endears.

How quickly is lost, grace too simply thought won,
Casual acceptance, soon left me completely undone.
the climb now returned to, will demand yet more,
My fall a reminder, of too easy allure.

D, alumnus